Boundaries: A Story of Transition and Personal Growth

I had a very intense and transitional experience recently that I'd like to share. My son has been in care at a day home ever since I returned to work in February 2010. While at the outset of arranging care all seemed perfect and wonderful, things have progressively gotten "bad". I've realized that there are core values that myself and my care provider don't have in common. Since that realization, it's been a slow road of first acknowledging that truth and then doing something about it. 

In the summertime, my care provider suggested that we might be happier elsewhere where our needs would be better met. Amazing that it was her suggestion and not mine, even though I had thought of it many times. I started looking for alternate childcare facilities and got myself on 2 waiting lists for places that really fit what it is that I'm looking for for myself and my son. After confirming my spot on these 2 waiting lists, I felt pretty discouraged. It's a lot harder to find appropriate childcare in Edmonton than I ever imagined. I felt bound to the day home and proceeded by trying to be as positive as possible, despite feeling like my values were being compromised every time I arrived there to drop my son off. 

Most recently, an incident occurred that made me feel extremely uncomfortable and as though my son's welfare was being compromised - maybe in ways that I wasn't even aware of. In anger, I wanted to pull my son out of this person's home right away, never to return, but I didn't. I went back to the drawing board with the intention of exhausting my search for alternate childcare. I first checked in on the status of the 2 waiting lists, only for God to reach down and bless us with an opening for November 1st, specifically in my son's age category, at the bilingual Montessori childcare center 5 minutes walking distance from our home! After that was settled, I had a gnawing feeling in my gut - I felt so uncomfortable bringing my son back to the day home. But I did. 

On Friday, I called home to Grande Prairie to see if I had any other options, ie: if either of my parents could come spend some time in Edmonton to care for my son while I continued to go to work. My dad offered to come and yet, I was still on the fence. Why? In my head, I knew that the best thing to do was to pull my son from care at the day home, but I couldn't integrate that into my body to gain confidence around that possibility and I had immense guilt at the thought of doing so. My son has been under care at this home for a year and a half and all people are inherently good, aren't they? And people make mistakes and are allowed to make mistakes, isn't that true? On Friday night, after doing a meditation to gain clarity on which direction to take, I knew what I had to do - pull him from care for the last 2 weeks until he started at his new daycare - but the guilt was almost paralyzing! I thought I had done so much personal work around guilt in my life and yet, here it was, glaring me in the face and clubbing me on the shins.

Starting on Saturday morning, I decided to take Pink Yarrow (a flower essence) - 1-2 drops every 1-2 hours to try and speed emotional catharsis around personal boundaries. Pink Yarrow, specifically, is for those who tend towards taking responsibility for other people's feelings and experiences, thereby having a difficult time establishing emotional boundaries. I also implemented Emotional Freedom Technique and Kit Furey's methods for clearing. Late Sunday afternoon, my personal clouds started to clear and I felt more protected around my heart center. I recognized that this comes down to something as simple as the fact that parents and childcare providers absolutely ought to be on the same page, and we weren't. That, in itself, was enough reason to remove my son from care. Today's his last day.

There are a few points to this story:

1. I'm really in to gross honesty lately. As in, honesty that's potentially embarrassing. More than anything, this is regarding my being honest with my own self, something I've historically had a hard time with. As it relates to this story, let me say that I always - ALWAYS - thought that I would do ANYTHING in the moment to protect the welfare of my child. And I didn't. This points to the fact that whatever our core issues are - one of mine being poor establishment and maintenance of boundaries - no single person can change or improve those issues for us, just as we have no power to affect others' issues. While I thought that becoming a mother would resolve so many of my core issues, it's been my own decision to pursue personal work and activities that stimulate personal growth that has actually brushed the surface of rectifying any of my core issues. My son's presence in my life, alone, has done nothing to make me a better person. That being said, his presence has stimulated me to want to be a better person in order to set a positive example and, as a result, I've pursued many avenues towards change. 

May we stop claiming that "when I become a parent" or "once I'm in a fulfilling relationship" or "once I earn more money" etc. we will be happier and better people. All we have is now and the only one in your life with enough power to create change is you.

2. This p0int brings a side story to the table. I've been struggling with a recurring infection for some time. Being that it's a skin infection, Kristi recently mentioned that issues with skin point to boundary issues. Of course they do, our skin is the physical boundary on our bodies that protects us from the outside world. As things escalated with the childcare situation, the infection recurred, even after having taken a round of antibiotics - something I'm strongly averse to doing. As of today, all symptoms of infection are gone. This points to the fact that physical issues are not just physical. I am always in amazement at the miracle of holism. As I addressed and attempted to heal issues as they relate to emotional b0undaries in my life, the physical ailment that energetically related to boundaries resolved itself. 

May we recognize that every "issue" is a multi-layered one and may we seek to explore more than just the physical components of everything we feel challenged by. By this exploration, may we enjoy all the more personal growth and improvement.

3. Flower essences rock. They really do. They are the most subtle and yet the most profound therapeutic method I have EVER had the complete pleasure to work with. They are my favorite healing modality to facilitate for others and to experience personally. As you ingest flower essences, they open up amazing portholes of realization that you may never have dreamed were even possible. I like to refer to them as "counselors in a bottle". This comparison speaks to how a counselor's job is to diplomatically point out blind spots - parts about ourselves that are very real and that may undermine the true and highest expression of who we really are, but that we are consciously unaware of. The difference between a counselor and a flower essence is that flower essences stimulate your having these blind spots revealed to you in and of your own self - with a supporting role from God or the universe, of course. This makes the awareness process more empowering. 

May we open our hearts and our minds to modalities as profound and beautiful as flower essences, that they may enrich our journeys towards discovering and thereby bettering our own selves. And, as you read this, may you allow me the honour of living out my life's passion by sharing your story with me and gifting me with the opportunity to create a flower essences blend JUST FOR YOU.

If you feel you have any blockages you'd like to explore via flower essences, I would be absolutely tickled pink to hear from you. Thank you so much for reading.

Roberta Shepherd for Prana Holistic

The Insight Inspired by Henry and the Chipping Cheddar Witch

Lately, my son's favorite DVD to watch is Angelina Ballerina - a young, British mouse wrapped up in her ideals of being a prima ballerina. I pretty much have all 4 stories on the borrowed DVD memorized. One of the stories is a Halloween story centered around an old, local tale about the Chipping Cheddar witch - Chipping Cheddar being the village Angelina and her family live in. Briefly, the tale states that the Chipping Cheddar witch shows up and turns the mice into stinky cheese. Angelina's father is telling the tale to Angelina, her friend Alice, and her cousin, Henry. Henry attaches to the story, later becoming convinced that he sees the witch when, in actual fact, it's Angelina's ballet teacher, Miss Lily, dressed up as a witch for Halloween. Henry becomes very worked up, enlisting the help of their friend William to track down the Chipping Cheddar witch and stop her from turning the village inhabitants to stinky cheese. William becomes convinced when at one point, they go to the village shop and when they don't see the shop keeper but instead see a big chunk of cheese on the counter, they assume the witch has done her nasty deed there, turning the shop keeper into stinky cheese. Of course, at the end of the episode, Henry and William realize that all the while, it's been Miss Lily dressed up as a witch and that the story is just that - a story.

A couple mornings ago, as I was getting ready for work, I listened to this particular episode play out in the living room and it got me to thinking. The Chipping Cheddar witch episode is very reflective of what we all do on a regular basis - make up stories in our heads and then create evidence all around us to prove our stories to be true. We are so much like Henry who, being so taken away by the story, walks out of Angelina's house, sees Miss Lily's witch hat sticking up above the fence posts and assumes that this must be none other than the Chipping Cheddar witch! From there, just like us, Henry fabricates all the more drama, visiting the village shop, seeing a chunk of cheese and no shopkeeper and building on the story all the more. Meanwhile, the shopkeeper was in the back, only to come out after Henry's departure and wonder what the noise had been all about.

I can think of so very many examples of how I've done this in my own life, and I'm sure you can relate too. Here's one: while I have only ever wanted a committed and loving primary relationship, based on some life experiences, I made up a story in my head that men only ever wanted to use me and that "all the good men are taken". What ensued was a barrage of non-committal men in my life who always left me waiting and wanting for more, when they'd never intended to pursue anything permanent with me to begin with! Because I'd established this story in my head, my being proceeded to find evidence of what I was telling myself was true and you can just guess how every single scenario played out as I met men over the years. Amidst this evidence, I also received the grandest of blessings in the form of my gorgeous son, not to mention all the personal growth that has happened as a result of my old, limiting belief. These days, I realize that there are plenty of men out there who are equally deserving of a committed, loving relationship as I am and that my trust in the success of my own life's journey will inevitably bring my belief to fruition...alongside some action, of course (see Calling In The One link below).

My own life is not the point but serves as a great example. The point is that you will always strive to prove yourself right when it comes to that which you believe to be true. If you believe that you always hit all the red lights when driving, then you will. Funny thing is, you might hit 4 out of 7 red lights, but you will be focused on those 4 red lights instead of those 3 green ones because of what you maintain in your thoughts. If you believe that the world is out to get you, then it will be. If you believe that all the good men are taken, then you will surely find a way to show that this is in fact true. If you think you are undeserving, then you will be. If you think that you're fat, then you will be. And if you think that the Chipping Cheddar witch is walking around in YOUR neighborhood, seeking to turn all your friends and family into stinky cheese, then she will be!

Thank you to author Katharine Holabird, creator of Angelina Ballerina and to her character Henry for reminding me of the power of thought and the intensity of what can happen when we so vehemently attach to something we believe to be true. 

I - again - have to cite a few different sources that have helped me to start shifting and changing the stories in my head. If you find that your stories are making for a challenging reality, help is available! Might I suggest that you scope out any or all of the following:

1. Kristi's Goal Ninjas programs
2. Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) (which we offer here at Prana Holistic)
3. Flower Essences therapy (which I would be happy to facilitate for you here at Prana Holistic)
4. Kit Furey's work
5. Anything by Byron Katie
6. Calling In The One, by Katherine Woodward Thomas

Thank you for reading.

Roberta Shepherd for Prana Holistic

Tapping In To A Better Experience (Literally)

As we enter the melting period, ie: the end of winter, I reflect on how long and grueling it felt for me. Just this morning I mentioned to someone that January felt like at least 2 months to me, if not 3. I know I've experienced seasonal depression before and am left confused about how much of that may have been the cause of my low winter feelings. Either way, I intend to build up and be aware of a plethora of personal, stress-relieving resources for next winter, including the application of self-care and the willingness to ask for support when it's needed. 

One of the resources that I used this time, which I believe was a big part of helping me to pick myself up and keep going, was EFT: Emotional Freedom Technique. EFT is a branch of energy psychology. Energy psychology is a field that considers the relationship of energy systems to mental and emotional health, as well as behaviour. Founded by Gary Craig, an American engineering graduate and ordained minister, now retired, EFT’s guiding principle is that negative emotions disrupt the body’s energy. EFT manipulates the body’s energy field, with the goal of creating harmony and balance. 

EFT combines tapping on particular points, as recognized in traditional acupuncture, focusing on an emotionally debilitating issue and repeating affirming statements that promote acceptance of oneself despite challenges and shortcomings. The idea is that negative thoughts and feelings get stuck in the energetic system just as toxins periodically get "stuck" in the body, calling for a nutritional detoxification process. Consider EFT to be an emotional detoxification process. Quite simply, where a high emotional charge exists in association with a dysfunctional belief system ("I'm not good enough"), event or trauma, EFT, in application, works to diminish this emotional charge in order that you cope more effectively with life and your own personal healing. 

Me Tapping In To A Better Life!

For example, during the winter, I got caught up in feeling responsible for others' feelings - probably as a way of avoiding my own. For a while, I was consumed with what a few people in particular were thinking and feeling, especially in relation to me, and this became draining and defeatist. I was not able to properly function because I was allowing my obsessive thoughts to pervade every part of my life. Daily application of EFT helped to bring the emotional charge around my obsessiveness down so that I could objectively look at my situation and logically compute that hey, this is this person's journey and here's mine - I am only responsible for myself and obsessing about others who may or may not even have issues with me is a waste of precious energy that I need to heal myself and care for my son. This moved me to take care of things that needed to be taken care of inside my relationships in a matter-of-fact way, which brought healing and renewal.

EFT can also be applied to old, traumatic events that have never fully been healed such as death and loss, accidents and abuse. It's difficult to move forward when we haven't shed light into and healed the wounds of the past. This is not to encourage you to stew in past wounds but rather to shed light upon them, heal them and move forward. EFT is a phenomenal way of healing wounds both from the past and the present. It also helps to eliminate jitters around public speaking, difficult conversations, traveling or anything where fear seems to be taking over. 

One of the most beautiful things about EFT is that once you've learned it, you can add it to your personal tool box forever! I recommend having a session with a skilled EFT practitioner to start so that you can talk the process through and gain the skills necessary to use it on your own. Further, it's helpful to be with someone who can offer fresh perspectives to something that may be old and festering in your life. 

Sharon is our skilled EFT practitioner here at Prana Holistic. Please call us today if you'd like to learn how to apply EFT in order to rid yourself of possibly debilitating emotions that may be blocking you from thriving in your life.

Roberta Shepherd for Prana Holistic