Boundaries: A Story of Transition and Personal Growth

I had a very intense and transitional experience recently that I'd like to share. My son has been in care at a day home ever since I returned to work in February 2010. While at the outset of arranging care all seemed perfect and wonderful, things have progressively gotten "bad". I've realized that there are core values that myself and my care provider don't have in common. Since that realization, it's been a slow road of first acknowledging that truth and then doing something about it. 

In the summertime, my care provider suggested that we might be happier elsewhere where our needs would be better met. Amazing that it was her suggestion and not mine, even though I had thought of it many times. I started looking for alternate childcare facilities and got myself on 2 waiting lists for places that really fit what it is that I'm looking for for myself and my son. After confirming my spot on these 2 waiting lists, I felt pretty discouraged. It's a lot harder to find appropriate childcare in Edmonton than I ever imagined. I felt bound to the day home and proceeded by trying to be as positive as possible, despite feeling like my values were being compromised every time I arrived there to drop my son off. 

Most recently, an incident occurred that made me feel extremely uncomfortable and as though my son's welfare was being compromised - maybe in ways that I wasn't even aware of. In anger, I wanted to pull my son out of this person's home right away, never to return, but I didn't. I went back to the drawing board with the intention of exhausting my search for alternate childcare. I first checked in on the status of the 2 waiting lists, only for God to reach down and bless us with an opening for November 1st, specifically in my son's age category, at the bilingual Montessori childcare center 5 minutes walking distance from our home! After that was settled, I had a gnawing feeling in my gut - I felt so uncomfortable bringing my son back to the day home. But I did. 

On Friday, I called home to Grande Prairie to see if I had any other options, ie: if either of my parents could come spend some time in Edmonton to care for my son while I continued to go to work. My dad offered to come and yet, I was still on the fence. Why? In my head, I knew that the best thing to do was to pull my son from care at the day home, but I couldn't integrate that into my body to gain confidence around that possibility and I had immense guilt at the thought of doing so. My son has been under care at this home for a year and a half and all people are inherently good, aren't they? And people make mistakes and are allowed to make mistakes, isn't that true? On Friday night, after doing a meditation to gain clarity on which direction to take, I knew what I had to do - pull him from care for the last 2 weeks until he started at his new daycare - but the guilt was almost paralyzing! I thought I had done so much personal work around guilt in my life and yet, here it was, glaring me in the face and clubbing me on the shins.

Starting on Saturday morning, I decided to take Pink Yarrow (a flower essence) - 1-2 drops every 1-2 hours to try and speed emotional catharsis around personal boundaries. Pink Yarrow, specifically, is for those who tend towards taking responsibility for other people's feelings and experiences, thereby having a difficult time establishing emotional boundaries. I also implemented Emotional Freedom Technique and Kit Furey's methods for clearing. Late Sunday afternoon, my personal clouds started to clear and I felt more protected around my heart center. I recognized that this comes down to something as simple as the fact that parents and childcare providers absolutely ought to be on the same page, and we weren't. That, in itself, was enough reason to remove my son from care. Today's his last day.

There are a few points to this story:

1. I'm really in to gross honesty lately. As in, honesty that's potentially embarrassing. More than anything, this is regarding my being honest with my own self, something I've historically had a hard time with. As it relates to this story, let me say that I always - ALWAYS - thought that I would do ANYTHING in the moment to protect the welfare of my child. And I didn't. This points to the fact that whatever our core issues are - one of mine being poor establishment and maintenance of boundaries - no single person can change or improve those issues for us, just as we have no power to affect others' issues. While I thought that becoming a mother would resolve so many of my core issues, it's been my own decision to pursue personal work and activities that stimulate personal growth that has actually brushed the surface of rectifying any of my core issues. My son's presence in my life, alone, has done nothing to make me a better person. That being said, his presence has stimulated me to want to be a better person in order to set a positive example and, as a result, I've pursued many avenues towards change. 

May we stop claiming that "when I become a parent" or "once I'm in a fulfilling relationship" or "once I earn more money" etc. we will be happier and better people. All we have is now and the only one in your life with enough power to create change is you.

2. This p0int brings a side story to the table. I've been struggling with a recurring infection for some time. Being that it's a skin infection, Kristi recently mentioned that issues with skin point to boundary issues. Of course they do, our skin is the physical boundary on our bodies that protects us from the outside world. As things escalated with the childcare situation, the infection recurred, even after having taken a round of antibiotics - something I'm strongly averse to doing. As of today, all symptoms of infection are gone. This points to the fact that physical issues are not just physical. I am always in amazement at the miracle of holism. As I addressed and attempted to heal issues as they relate to emotional b0undaries in my life, the physical ailment that energetically related to boundaries resolved itself. 

May we recognize that every "issue" is a multi-layered one and may we seek to explore more than just the physical components of everything we feel challenged by. By this exploration, may we enjoy all the more personal growth and improvement.

3. Flower essences rock. They really do. They are the most subtle and yet the most profound therapeutic method I have EVER had the complete pleasure to work with. They are my favorite healing modality to facilitate for others and to experience personally. As you ingest flower essences, they open up amazing portholes of realization that you may never have dreamed were even possible. I like to refer to them as "counselors in a bottle". This comparison speaks to how a counselor's job is to diplomatically point out blind spots - parts about ourselves that are very real and that may undermine the true and highest expression of who we really are, but that we are consciously unaware of. The difference between a counselor and a flower essence is that flower essences stimulate your having these blind spots revealed to you in and of your own self - with a supporting role from God or the universe, of course. This makes the awareness process more empowering. 

May we open our hearts and our minds to modalities as profound and beautiful as flower essences, that they may enrich our journeys towards discovering and thereby bettering our own selves. And, as you read this, may you allow me the honour of living out my life's passion by sharing your story with me and gifting me with the opportunity to create a flower essences blend JUST FOR YOU.

If you feel you have any blockages you'd like to explore via flower essences, I would be absolutely tickled pink to hear from you. Thank you so much for reading.

Roberta Shepherd for Prana Holistic

The Insight Inspired by Henry and the Chipping Cheddar Witch

Lately, my son's favorite DVD to watch is Angelina Ballerina - a young, British mouse wrapped up in her ideals of being a prima ballerina. I pretty much have all 4 stories on the borrowed DVD memorized. One of the stories is a Halloween story centered around an old, local tale about the Chipping Cheddar witch - Chipping Cheddar being the village Angelina and her family live in. Briefly, the tale states that the Chipping Cheddar witch shows up and turns the mice into stinky cheese. Angelina's father is telling the tale to Angelina, her friend Alice, and her cousin, Henry. Henry attaches to the story, later becoming convinced that he sees the witch when, in actual fact, it's Angelina's ballet teacher, Miss Lily, dressed up as a witch for Halloween. Henry becomes very worked up, enlisting the help of their friend William to track down the Chipping Cheddar witch and stop her from turning the village inhabitants to stinky cheese. William becomes convinced when at one point, they go to the village shop and when they don't see the shop keeper but instead see a big chunk of cheese on the counter, they assume the witch has done her nasty deed there, turning the shop keeper into stinky cheese. Of course, at the end of the episode, Henry and William realize that all the while, it's been Miss Lily dressed up as a witch and that the story is just that - a story.

A couple mornings ago, as I was getting ready for work, I listened to this particular episode play out in the living room and it got me to thinking. The Chipping Cheddar witch episode is very reflective of what we all do on a regular basis - make up stories in our heads and then create evidence all around us to prove our stories to be true. We are so much like Henry who, being so taken away by the story, walks out of Angelina's house, sees Miss Lily's witch hat sticking up above the fence posts and assumes that this must be none other than the Chipping Cheddar witch! From there, just like us, Henry fabricates all the more drama, visiting the village shop, seeing a chunk of cheese and no shopkeeper and building on the story all the more. Meanwhile, the shopkeeper was in the back, only to come out after Henry's departure and wonder what the noise had been all about.

I can think of so very many examples of how I've done this in my own life, and I'm sure you can relate too. Here's one: while I have only ever wanted a committed and loving primary relationship, based on some life experiences, I made up a story in my head that men only ever wanted to use me and that "all the good men are taken". What ensued was a barrage of non-committal men in my life who always left me waiting and wanting for more, when they'd never intended to pursue anything permanent with me to begin with! Because I'd established this story in my head, my being proceeded to find evidence of what I was telling myself was true and you can just guess how every single scenario played out as I met men over the years. Amidst this evidence, I also received the grandest of blessings in the form of my gorgeous son, not to mention all the personal growth that has happened as a result of my old, limiting belief. These days, I realize that there are plenty of men out there who are equally deserving of a committed, loving relationship as I am and that my trust in the success of my own life's journey will inevitably bring my belief to fruition...alongside some action, of course (see Calling In The One link below).

My own life is not the point but serves as a great example. The point is that you will always strive to prove yourself right when it comes to that which you believe to be true. If you believe that you always hit all the red lights when driving, then you will. Funny thing is, you might hit 4 out of 7 red lights, but you will be focused on those 4 red lights instead of those 3 green ones because of what you maintain in your thoughts. If you believe that the world is out to get you, then it will be. If you believe that all the good men are taken, then you will surely find a way to show that this is in fact true. If you think you are undeserving, then you will be. If you think that you're fat, then you will be. And if you think that the Chipping Cheddar witch is walking around in YOUR neighborhood, seeking to turn all your friends and family into stinky cheese, then she will be!

Thank you to author Katharine Holabird, creator of Angelina Ballerina and to her character Henry for reminding me of the power of thought and the intensity of what can happen when we so vehemently attach to something we believe to be true. 

I - again - have to cite a few different sources that have helped me to start shifting and changing the stories in my head. If you find that your stories are making for a challenging reality, help is available! Might I suggest that you scope out any or all of the following:

1. Kristi's Goal Ninjas programs
2. Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) (which we offer here at Prana Holistic)
3. Flower Essences therapy (which I would be happy to facilitate for you here at Prana Holistic)
4. Kit Furey's work
5. Anything by Byron Katie
6. Calling In The One, by Katherine Woodward Thomas

Thank you for reading.

Roberta Shepherd for Prana Holistic